Free-form

[Note: Jen Lemen's lovely musings inspired this post. ]

When life feels difficult, I try to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes the things that are right up in your face are out of focus and distorted. Your thoughts feel blurry and the situation feels muddled. But if you can just look beyond that, you can gain clarity and see the beauty surrounding you.

When I feel restrained by the decisions, commitments, and relationships of my life, I remember the concept of freedom within structure. Consider the traditional sonnet: it has serious parameters. Fourteen lines. Defined rhyme scheme. There are certain rules you have to follow when writing a sonnet. But apart from those rules, you can write what you like. Choosing the structure frees you up to focus on the content, not the form.

After spending a year abroad following some of my dreams, I came home to the tedium of everyday domestic life. I fell into a serious depression. "How do people stand it?" I wondered. I had a job that I didn't really like, a commute that was sucking the life out of me, and not much else to make it all feel worthwhile. The everdayness of life suffocated me. The routine was mind-numbingly mundane. I longed to live a life full of joy and wonder, but couldn't get beyond the limitations of daily life.

After a year of being home, I got engaged to the man who kept me sane when I was homesick overseas and during that difficult first year back. He says that if it weren't for him, I would have gone back to live in England. He's probably right. I'd begun to establish a life there. I liked England and had a good group of friends. Back home, all of my friends from college were strewn about the U.S. But I decided to stay here and get married. I said that this was the right decision for me because I had already done everything I wanted to do by myself.

I knew that marriage would require some sacrifices. I realized that I couldn't follow my whims without taking my partner into consideration. And I was okay with that. Having him by my side was more important to me than having the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever and however I wanted. Besides, he's an easygoing guy and I wasn't really worried about him cramping my style.

But sometimes the everydayness of life still gets to me. Not like it did eight years ago, but it's not as easy to live a life full of joy and wonder as I'd like. And marriage, even to an easygoing guy, can be hard work. James and I don't see eye-to-eye on things like where to live (city vs. suburbs) and what kind of house we want (historic vs. brand-spankin'-new). Activities that energize me drain him, and vice versa. In other words, there are serious parameters within our relationship.

Occasionally the limitations get to me and I wonder what life would have been like if I'd moved back to Europe. Or maybe to New York City to live in a loft and work for a magazine or publishing house. What if I was free to pursue my travel and artistic dreams on my own?

When I feel boxed in, I remember the freedom that being married to James has given me. Because he has a good job with good benefits, and because he is full of encouragement and generosity, I can pursue my dream of being a freelance writer with very little worry. Being married allowed me to quit a job where I felt like a square peg in round hole and become my own boss.

Yes, I could have pursued this dream on my own. But it would have been so much harder and would have included so many more parameters. Europe and NYC sound romantic and exciting until homesickness and starving-artist, vermin-infested apartments set in. And besides, James has never tried to stifle my artistic impulses or travel bug. Just last month he asked if I wanted to visit friends in England or take a little artistic retreat for myself. I was the one who hemmed and hawed about it. He's also the one who talked me into going to the American Society of Journalists and Authors’ conference in NYC next month. And when I said I was considering going to the Blogher conference in Chicago in July, he said, "Sounds cool."

So I rejoice in the freedom within this form. My hope is that you find your very own free-form.

love is more thicker than forget

love is more thicker than forget

more thinner than recall

more seldom than a wave is wet

more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly

and less it shall unbe

than all the sea which only

is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win

less never than alive

less bigger than the least begin

less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly

and more it cannot die

than all the sky which only

is higher than the sky

~e.e. cummings

photo by jenn, outside of a boutique in wexford, pa

Understanding Light

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." (John 1:5)

photo by Jenn, boutique north of Pittsburgh, PA

The short winter days grow longer. There's more light in my life in general these days. I feel like I've been sleeping for years and am just starting to wake up again to love, beauty, magic, comfort, adventure and so much more. But darkness has a way, doesn't it? A way to seek out the cracks in the light and push its way in. I'm still scared of the dark. Even more so since I grew up and realized that there is darkness visible and invisible. It's the darkness that others can't see that hurts the most.

Everywhere I turn lately I find common themes: have the courage to admit what you truly want, put it out into the Universe, try your best to go in that direction, and believe that good things will come. Sometimes you don't even have to believe; just wishing is enough. I've seen it here, there, everywhere, and again, once more, and even here. (I'm not sure what my word of the year is, but it may be Pentecost. I haven't committed my Mondo Beyondo list to paper yet, but it's brewing and I'm getting up the courage.) I was feeling happier, more focused, and more enthusiastic than I had in ages.

Then last night I admitted that I'm terrified that it will all come crashing down; that certain life circumstances will overwhelm me with sadness, loneliness, bitterness; that the depression monster I keep so secret will drag me under the bed and devour me.

So I threw an embarrassing fit of despair this morning. I did my best to ruin the whole damn day. But for once, thank God, the light is pushing out the darkness.

More Inspiration

One of my favorite moments is the man at 1min 13sec.

Inspiration for the Masses

I'm not usually a fan of motivational speakers or the quotes they throw around, and I've never gotten into the infamous Stephen Covey of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People fame. (Not to be confused with Kip Winger of Winger fame.) I've heard good things about Mr. Covey. But like I said, I'm not so much into that whole self-improvement genre.

But today I read a quote that struck me as interesting, true, and yes, even a little bit inspirational. Of course, it could be because my mind has turned to Jell-O [wiggle when you jiggle it] after six days of good old fashioned headaches and these new-fangled (suspected) migraines. You be the judge:

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage -- pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically -- to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the good.'" -- Stephen Covey

Feel inspired?

Photo of Stairs in Bisbee, AZ by David McGuiggan

[p.s. Does anyone know how to add a rollover caption to photo in Blogger? I tried adding an ALT tag to the photo code, but it didn't work. ]