The Spaces Between Actions

me & the sea; Halibut Point Park, Rockport, MA; October 2008 (photo by James)

There are so many good things swirling around in my life right now: new friendships, exciting ideas, big dreams, interesting projects. Even the weather is grooving my way: not too hot and low humidity with big puffy clouds in the sky.

And yet.

Today I feel uninspired and unenthusiastic. So much so that I haven't been able to take much action, despite all my recent brave talk about how you can take action without inspiration or enthusiasm. I still believe that's true, but today I just needed to sit on the couch and acknowledge that for whatever reason, I feel drained and lackluster.

Days like this are really hard for me because I spent years and years -- about 15 of them -- being really depressed. I hid it really well and still managed to do a lot of wonderful things during those years, but they were hard years. Most of my friends didn't know I was depressed. I got so good at hiding it that I didn't know I was depressed. I was what one therapist called a "highly functioning depressive." (The Type A side of my personality took that as a compliment and felt really proud.) But when I found myself calling off work repeatedly and sitting at home crying all day, with absolutely nothing to blame it on, I knew I had a problem.

My recovery has been a process over the last several years, and I'm still unpacking exactly why life feels so much different to me now. I haven't fully figured out why I'm better. Therapy helped, quitting my life-draining job helped, reconnecting with my creative and spiritual sides helped immensely. But because I don't know exactly why I'm better, days like today frighten me.

I imagine it's like someone who has survived a terrible physical illness. Every time there's a weird twinge in your body that's reminiscent of your old disease, you're filled with fear that the sickness is returning. When I feel blah and blue for no obvious reason, I instantly worry that the depression is coming back; that all this time being happy was just a cruel joke.

But I know this is a fear-based thought, and not a useful one. I know that even non-depressed people have a bad biorhythm day or two. I know that just because I feel flat today, I can still feel shiny tomorrow. I believe these things, even when they don't feel true.

I didn't start this post intending to tell you this story of myself. It's not one I'm completely comfortable with or one that I fully understand. But maybe those are the types of stories we need to tell the most. Maybe this is the story you needed to read today. Maybe this is exactly the tiny action I needed to take to stop feeling sad and scared and sorry for myself.

There is all sorts of goodness swirling around in my life right now. That doesn't change just because I spent most of the day curled up on the couch or mindlessly browsing the Internet. It's true: you really can take action even if you don't feel inspired or enthusiastic. And sometimes, that's exactly what you need to do. But if you need to sit on your own couch for awhile and rest, that's okay, too. You can rest until you can take the next little step.

Comments

[A little Vermont fairy]

You've come a long way, baby.

[Betti]

Hi Jennifer

I always enjoy your blog posts. You inspire me to - one day in the not-too-distant future - get blogging too!

Many thanks for that.

Wishing you all the best

Betti

[Jen Lee]

I have this same heightened response to a blue day, for the same reason. They are scary, but simply being awake to yourself is a good sign. Love the balance of sometimes working through it, and other times taking it as a cue to just be.

[Amie aka MammaLoves]

First of all, I can't believe you posted a picture from Rockport. I've been going there my whole life and actually got married in the church with the cannon ball lodged in the tower.

But what I really want to say is that I know that fear. The fear it's coming back. Sometimes it does, but I fear it less now because I know I have the tools to recognize it when it rears its ugly head. I can stop it sooner now and not let it zap more of my life.

Or...it could just be a blah day. You're allowed to have those too.

[karen]

i needed to hear this today. thank you.

[Kerstin]

Hi Jennifer,

Sometimes the universe does nudge us! At least that's how I feel having discovered your blog. Apart from your beautiful way with words you have also given me lots to think about at a time when I feel there are way more spaces than actions in my life. It may not appear like this to people on the outside but it sure is how I feel on the inside. And I daresay the same applies to your wondering why you are feeling better. I would say it is obvious: therapy, quitting a job, creative re-awakening ~ those are HUGE reasons.

Anyway, I had a very scary experience with depression as a teenager and that fear of returning to the edge of that cliff is most present when I am stuck in a "space."

Thank you for sharing your personal story, I am sure it resonates with many.

Take care,
Kerstin

[Jen]

There is this metaphor used in psychotherapy that you've probably heard before: Depression (or Trauma, abuse, anxiety) can be a huge gapping hole in the sidewalk. You walk along and the first time you never see it and the fall is hard and jarring. Scary because you can't quite see the bottom or the sides or the texture. And then you work your way up and out (with therapy, support and sometimes antidepressants), heart pounding, brushing off the dirt and keep moving along... until that hole appears again in the sidewalk of your life. If you've done a little work, therapy, awareness training, really made changes - that hole isn't quite so big. You stumble, step in it, feel a bit off your stride. Maybe you fall all the way in - but it isn't quite so scary because you have been there before - and survived.
I believe we do this our whole lives - all of us with all sorts of different pathologies - but when we've learned to breathe through it once and we hit that hole again, we remember better how to keep breathing. We remember where to find support, who to call and what not to do. At least we try.
You've shared something about yourself within a community that supports you - loves you, in fact - and also shares your humanity. That is an amazing way to help hold on to all that you are, not just the depression. It gets to be a part of you, a messenger with a story to tell. By writing about it, you gave your blue day meaning that is filled with awareness and validation. Bravo.

[liz elayne]

thank you for sharing these pieces of you. i am so blessed to know you dear girl.

[susan greene]

Hi Jennifer,
I hope you are returning to Squam in a couple weeks. My husband has also fought horrible depression and goes through exactly what you have gone through today. The fear of the depression coming back paralyzes him. Please keep talking and sharing it is so so important to let others know when you are having a dark day..... let others help make you smile.
Hugs,
Susan

[Elaine]

Thank you for being brave and honest. I needed to read this today. With all the dreaming going on ;-), I missed seeing this post until now.

You are brilliant, honest, inspirational, real and generous.And now a blessing to growing community of readers and supporters.

As I finished writing this comment my eyes glance over to your blog description ("I envision The Word Cellar ...filled with racks and racks of words.) I have to smile. You are a lot more than just words. You are heart and soul, too.

[Nora]

Got here by coincidence. It was exactly what I needed to read.
thx
nora

[Lisa]

I've been pondering this post for a couple of days.

Why is that we are prone to LABEL how we're feeling? (Thus leading us down the slippery slope of worry, anxiety, and reaching for things to numb, quell, remedy our symptoms.)

When did we get brainwashed with the message that life was about feeling "good" all the time? (Thus making "bad" or "tired" or "a bit off"...whatever...the enemy..and something to fear?)

Maybe it's the damn linear viewpoint the masculine world as imposed upon us. The more I live and breathe, the more I see that life is a spiral....life/death/life...ups/downs/arounds....

And don't we read about, study, make movies about....maybe perhaps even *admire* the very creative types (authors, artists, painters, etc) who deal with their dark sides and not feeling "good" as much as they relish in their fame-making creativity? Why are we then exempt from that very same equation?

Yeah, I'm learning to accept my 'not feeling so good' times and tune in to what my body/mind/spirit are trying to tell me through them. (slow down, nurture, pay attention, wait, listen, look, practice gratitude). And I'm becoming a firm believer that holding it together all the time is SO OVERRATED. I want to be a fan of FALLING APART!!!

Kids do this, right? Tantrums? Hysterical wailing over seemingly insignificant events (today I witnessed a young boy falling apart over a broken balloon)?...I felt bad for him and his mom...but then I also completely envied his ability to sit right there and let it all out!

I'm glad you're learning to be good to yourself. No judgment. No punishment. Leaving the past behind and claiming new power now. But also, acknowledging the darkness and being okay with that....trusting the process...and that it will pass...having left behind its very own message for you.

{{hugs}}

[RC Gooch]

Hey smart lady. It's Rachel from VCFA. I'm right there with you--in fact I've had a bit of this lately--although I do blame part of it on running out of my meds (got my refill today).

I wanted to tell you that you inspire me. I love your fantastic advice--I can't wait to follow it!

Looking forward to seeing you soon in the VT. <3

[Stacey]

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and being so very honest. I am a clinically depressed person that has chosen to live without medications (for a host of reasons). Your post has helped me grasp some of the strangeness I am confronted with on a regular basis. I so appreciate your candor. It hit home and helped me tremendously.

[Steph]

Wow did this post ever strike a chord - I could feel my body react as I read it. Maybe I should explore that reaction and see if it has anything to tell me.

Thank you for your honesty Jennifer, and for sharing your story.

Steph

[busymomma66]

I've struggled on and off with depression for years. On my "off" days I too worry it might be the big D. Lately I've tried a different approach. Giving myself permission to be blah and loving the blah me. I now practically revel in it. Almost having a blah party including cuddling on the couch with a cup a tea and crying over sappy commercials when I can. Writing in my journal all the blah and defeatist thoughts going through my head--the more insanely dark and stupid they are the better. the more rational part kinda smiles at this part, saying you are waaaayy to dramatic over this, but I LOVE you and you need to get this out, so get it all out and go for it. It seems to work a bit for me. The episodes don't last too long and I feel much better faster.