Waving at you
Monday, March 21, 2011 at 12:46AM 
seattle, december 2010 (diana f+, fuji pro 400x rxp-120 film)
Lately I come to this little square space of a text editor, and I freeze up. My instinct is to apologize for being so quiet here. I consider telling you how I feel both stretched thin and stuffed full from reading, researching, and trying to write offline. Or maybe, I think, I'll keep it simple: post a pretty photo and a nice little quote. Then the gremlins start up their chatter and I spend a few minutes thinking about what a lousy blogger I am. That's quickly followed by greminly comments on how I'm a mediocre housekeeper. For every day I go without posting, I begin to feel shame that is quite similar to what I feel about the baskets of laundry waiting (oh how long they wait!) to be put away.
Being a writer with a blog begins to feel like an occupational hazard. I pressure myself to tell you something deep and true every time I write here. But I know what I'd tell you if you told me the same thing. I'd say some supportive version of, "Chill out, dude." I might even, on a day when I'm feeling particularly cheesy, say, "Chillax!"
So this post is me chillaxin', keepin' it real, as the kids say. (Okay, I'm sure the kids don't really say that anymore. Did they ever?) This is overwhelmed, messy, out-of-sorts me. Not because of any large crisis or drama trauma, but because life is busy and hard in a run-of-the-mill way. Sometimes there's cat puke to clean out of the carpet. Sometimes the washing machine chucks water all over the basement. Sometimes your husband has a week off from work and you pretend to be on vacation, too, in-between reading three books, attending business meetings, and obsessing over upcoming deadlines. With all of that going on, it really is a pretend vacation. And then you start feeling whiney, wishing for a real vacation.
But even this pretend vacation has made it hard for me to stay connected online. Does anyone else find that difficult? The balancing of online life and in-person life? (To me, they're both real life.) It's a rhetorical question, really.
And so, this is me, giving you, my dear reader, a virtual wave. (I hate when authors in books say "my dear reader." Not sure why I'm okay with it on a blog.) I'll keep waving, in between the cleaning and the reading , the offline writing and the living. If you feel so inclined, I hope you'll wave back.
Reader Comments (7)
But there are still moments of beauty in all the mundane-ness. And I'm always glad to see you in this space, no matter if it's "just" a photo and quote. Whatever you have to offer is always enough.
I can so relate(minus the husband) about life being really full and busy these days. It feels impossible to keep up with everything. I feel like there is so much that I want to do, so many people that I want to support but sometimes, I just want to chill, too.
I guess all we can do is be honest about it and poke our heads out now and then.
peace
Thanks for your honesty! Though I am only in the beginning stages of blogging, I understand that delima of balancing online life and personal life. I wish I had answers, but I don't.
So here is a wave to you, and a heartfelt thanks for your words, even from a day of chillaxin. You just never know how you are able to touch others lives unless we say so.
hello Jennifer, thank you for writing this. I can relate to the feeling of being pulled in many directions of busy while worrying that I'm not accomplishing any one thing.
At stressy times I find that the stuff I need to do to stay connected online can contribute to my anxiety, thus affecting my ability to balance - not sure if that makes sense?
Anyway, I hope you are finding your way through, and wish you all the best. Keep on chillaxin'...