Self-Trust & Ways of Knowing

This post is part of The Declaration of You's BlogLovin' Tour, which I'm thrilled to participate in alongside more than 200 other creative bloggers. The Declaration of You (published by North Light Books and available now), by Michelle Ward and Jessica Swift, encourages readers to step passionately into their lives, discover how they and their gifts are unique, and uncover what they are meant to do. Today I'm sharing some thoughts on the theme of trust and how I've learned to trust myself.

"At the center of your being you have the answer;
you know who you are and you know what you want."
 ~Lao Tzu

I have a long history of indecision and self-doubt. I want my choices to be good, to be right, to be the best – as though these things were attainable absolutes. As though the choices I make define my worth as a person.

This form of perfectionism has shown up everywhere in my life, from the profound to the mundane: Should I have a child? Pasta or Mexican for dinner? Should I quit my job to be a writer? Which shade of brown sandals should I get: "chocolate" or "espresso?" Should I go to graduate school? Blue or neutral toenail polish?

A woman could go mad this way.

I've labored over seemingly simple decisions since I was a child. For a long time I thought I was just wishy-washy. Then I thought that maybe I'm too thorough.

Now I'm realizing that all of this fretting boils down to one tiny word: Trust.

More specifically, one slightly bigger, but still small word: Self-trust.

And boy howdy, is that little one little hyphenated word enormous.

I grew up learning to value logic and systematic thinking. Along the way, I got really good at them, too. But decision-making never got any easier for me. I wrestled with big life choices. I made long lists of pros and cons. I analyzed every angle of the situation. I exhausted myself with logic.

Several years ago, I decided (after much internal debate) to apply to graduate school. But then I had to decide where to apply. I did a ton of research (another thing I learned to be good at) and made a spreadsheet with lots of columns to compare all of the information. I narrowed it down to seven (seven!) schools and started the application process. I applied to so many because I wanted to increase my chances of getting into at least one.

And then the worst-best thing happened: My top three choices accepted me.

The Exhilaration!

Which quickly led to: Decision Exhaustion!

I agonized over which school to choose. I knew that going back to school was a big transition and a huge commitment – lots of time, and lots of money would be involved. For a week I made myself sick over which school to choose. I made lists. I talked to administrators, professors, students, and alumni at each school. I made more lists. I cried – a lot. All the while, I realized the twistedness of being stressed out over having too many wonderful choices.

I couldn't trust myself to make a decision.  

Deep down, I already knew which school was the best fit for me. But I wouldn't allow myself to trust to my gut. I was so constricted by the need to be rational and thorough that I couldn't acknowledge my intuition as a valid way of knowing.

This tug-of-war shows up in my creative life all the time. My writing is best when I stop analyzing and parsing out every little detail, when I simply show up on the page and trust that the story that needs to be told will come.

When I allow myself to trust my intuitive ways of knowing, my life, my work, and my play flow more easily.

This doesn't mean that I throw logic and rationality out the window. It means that I allow these two modes of thinking and being (logic and intuition) to dance together as partners. They can take turns leading, but when I'm spinning my wheels in a moment of frantic stuckness, I try to remember to quiet the chatter and fear so I can hear the answers already whispering to me.

I have to practice trusting myself. And if the decision I make leads me to an undesired outcome, I remind myself of the advice my father has often given: "Make the best decision you can with the information you have at the time. And then trust that it was the right choice no matter what happens."

Comments

[Kimberley McGill]

I was just taking a break from some studio reorganizing. I'd been agonizing of every little detail of what went where and why and what if I get more of that and it won't fit, what if a little of this over here looks weird, what if ..... Sat down to browse my reader and this was the first post I opened. Needed that!

Geesh! I'm going to take a tylenol and take a nap.